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Nov 29, 2009, 11:34am



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July 10, 2008
One month anniversary of the creation of Randor! I'm announcing this because I, um, forgot about the Randor day party we were gonna hold...
Again. I have to talk to Frost, but I'm gonna lobby for a Randor celebration...maybe a week or two from now. Annother thing to get us more members :-)

July 9, 2008
We've got 17 members! *danss*
Be our 18th! Just, like...sign up and stuff.

July 8, 2008
Where hath everyone gonst? Lol. I think that the user's activity mimics the admins, and I was away this past week due to relatives visiting.

July 3, 2008
Well, we've got 16 members. I'm sad to say that not all of them are as active as I had hoped. Still, there's only a couple of people who haven't been on in the last few days, so that's not too terrible. Actually, it's pretty good. JUST SIGN UP, GUESTS

July 2, 2008
Happy Canada Day, for those of us (ahem) that live there! I know this message is a day late, but I was busy watching the parade and hanging out with Frost :-)

June 30, 2008
Whoof, unlucky time for Randor - both admins were unable to be active. Well, I'm back now, and Frost should be back in a day or so, so...
Just a note to the peeps - I'll probably be less active during the weekend, for various reasons.

June 27, 2008
Hiya everyone! This is Remarque. Just saying that the draak farms are up and running, we're really looking for new members, those of you who advertise, and so on.
We've got 12 members, and I'm really looking forwards to getting more.

June 24, 2008
This is just a notice to say that on Thursday, I (Frost) am leaving for a few days. I should be back Tuesday or so. It's like a family reunion to bury my grandmother's ashes next to my grandfather's. So, try not to wither from lack of Frost, mkay? :)

June 23, 2008
Due to a brief hiatus in my own activity (I had a cousin over for the weekend and couldn't go on) we got slightly less active. Members and guests alike will be happy to hear that we're no longer in the slightest bit inactive - go ussss!

June 18, 2008
We've launched a draak breeding program! Checker out.

June 17, 2008
Nine members! Go ussss!!!

June 15, 2008
Eight members, two stories, three chapters - we're really getting there! GO USSS! ...Remeber to advertise, folks.

June 12, 2008
We've got 7 members! Go usss!

Jrne 12, 2OO8
I want chocolate

June 11, 2008
We now have two staff members - myself, and our co-admin Frost Spirit!

June 10, 2008
We've launched the site! It took hours and hours of backbreaking work, but I think I'm finally happy with it.
I'll have to make a better banner, and I'll have to make us an affiliation banner. Then I'll have to advertise *shudders*.
I'm finally more-or-less happy with the skin! Sure, it'll probably get refined a little...OK, a lot, but it'll stay pretty much the way it is.
There aren't enough resources yet. Must fix.
...But first, I must go to bed. *yawns* It's 3 in the morning here, and I'm busy tomorrow.
Welcome
Welcome to the world of Randor!
We're a very unique writing forum - we share tecniques, ideas, etc, but we also have our very own little world - Randor.
The world of Randor is highly user-created: that is, I gave the basic idea and some of the places, landmarks, races, etc, but users created the rest!
The result is a rich, thriving community, with a flexible base for toning your writing skills.
Sit back, relax, and enjoy.
Remarque
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Stories: Shine by Lily

Members: Please say hello to our seventeenth member, Queen!

Stats: 17 members, 6 stories, 3 staff members (2 admins), 8 affiliate positions open.

World of Randor :: Stories :: Reviews :: Lily's Review of The Raven
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 AuthorTopic: Lily's Review of The Raven (Read 54 times)
Lily
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 Lily's Review of The Raven
« Thread Started on Jun 21, 2008, 3:24pm »
[Quote]

This was a well written piece, however there was a lot you could've done with it but you didn't. For example, you could've added somewhere something about why she stole the ring - if she even did, which you never clarified, the accusation could've been incorrect and it could've been someone entirely different. Also, why didn't her father make her return since the punishment would've been a lot less severe if he had, even then he could've taken the blame for the stolen ring for his daughter.
Then, during the story, the father was trying to convince the guard he had no daughter, which is reasonable however easily unproved. However, when he was trying to fake it he said, ""I'm afraid there is no girl here..."What - what did she do, sir?"...(and) Well, I don't have a daughter" By asking what she did, he gave away that he did indeed have a daughter however, he then went back to the original, forgetting that, "This was not going as planned." Though, the 3 earlier phrases could've been taken in other ways, so it wasn't to big of a problem.
Besides the common mistakes which were very rare, there was only 1 in particular that bothered me, and that was the lost sentence, "And her mother was dead." It doesn't really...agree with the rest of the story, instead I would phrase it as, And her mother was already dead, or something along those lines.

Overall though, the story was quite good. It had, in just those few paragraphs quite a bit of literary elements. The description was quite good it was simple and to the point, which actually helped emphasize some points but also brought down others. Sometimes in a story it sounds good when you illustrate alot but it sounded quite good when you didn't, you stuck to explanations of only what was needed and left the rest to the imagination.
You did good with establishing a good overall mood and tone for the story with the adjectives and other phrases you used, however sometimes you let up on it and it didn't sound as serious. If there was one main piece of advice I could give you, its elaborate.
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 Re: Lily's Review of The Raven
« Reply #1 on Jun 23, 2008, 9:05am »
[Quote]

Thank you! I really appreciate the input.

Y'know, now that you mention it, I might de-one-shot it and add another chapter or two explaining everything and having a little more fun with it.
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